40 Lessons in 40 Years

Hello, and welcome to my blog. If you have landed on this page, you are either a friend or family member of mine, or you stumbled across it while looking for something more interesting and useful. Or maybe it's actually not as hard to find as I thought it would be, which is a somewhat frightening thought that I will choose to ignore for now.

I used to write words that more than 100,000 people per day would read. Not just news stories, but later, columns with personal details. It was intimidating to invite strangers into my life, but it was attached to a paycheck so I did it. Since then, I have continued to write, but the content is more promotional. Maybe it's the freedom from the stress of the newspaper industry, but the urge to write purely for my own enjoyment has grown within me again. So I plunge into this personal blog thing, but I do not promise quality. Ultimately, I am doing this for myself, because I want to upgrade from filling notebooks that stack up in boxes in my basement.

For my first blog entry, I'll share something I wrote on the recent occasion of my 40th birthday. For a few months prior to that birthday, I had been thinking a lot about what I have learned in my life so far, and how I wish I’d learned it all much earlier. Maybe it is valuable to pass along some advice, just in case something will resonate and make a difference in another person’s life. Not everyone will agree with this advice, and that’s cool. I have not mastered all of this myself, but I try every day. So here goes:

1. Being single is 100 percent better than being unhappy in a relationship.

2. Always RSVP. If you forget or don’t think it’s important, just admit that you are an ass.

3. Find an organizational system that works for you. It might be an online calendar, a day planner, Post-It notes on the bathroom mirror, or writing on your hand. Whatever it is, employ it. And don’t procrastinate. Grit your teeth and get it done, because procrastination breeds anxiety.

4. Many people who were beautiful and popular in high school will be fat and unsuccessful adults, and vice versa. We’ve all heard this, but it’s true.

5. Drink lots of water or you’ll have chicken skin (Aunt Cindy told me this when I was a kid. I didn’t listen. Guess who has chicken skin?)

6. Clean house on Thursday evening so you don’t have to do it over the weekend (h/t Kenn Sanders, RIP my friend)

7. Exercise several times per week, even if it’s just a leisurely stroll. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t think you did enough that day; it will not engender enthusiasm about exercise. Do this not because of what you see in the mirror, but because of how you want to feel physically AND mentally.

11. Speaking of the mirror, what you see there is never exactly what everyone else sees, for better or for worse.

12. F*** pantyhose.

13. Your body is going to do weird things. A limb will feel numb. You’ll get a sharp pain deep in your torso or wake up with a wicked sore neck. If these symptoms persist, by all means, get them checked out. But know that as you get older, you will experience weird sensations that nobody ever tells you about, and it doesn’t always mean you are dying.

14. If you plan to stay in the same place for five years and you can afford to buy a house, do it. You will not regret it – unless you hate mowing grass, in which case you should buy a condo.

15. There is absolutely nothing wrong with therapy. Your friends and family do not want to listen to your problems forever, and even if they do, they aren’t always in a position to give good advice (and it isn’t fair to them to keep asking). You need an ear attached to a person with no dog in the fight.

16. Keep a “ditty bag” in the trunk of your car that contains emergency necessities such as sunscreen, power bars or hiking shoes. (h/t to a fire chief who once watched me crawl through poison ivy in a mini-skirt and sandals to get a picture of a helicopter doing an emergency landing in a quarry. It was a sweet photo that ran on a section front. The poison ivy sucked.)

17. Nobody is 100-percent rock-solid in their faith except for suicide bombers, and you see where that got them -- and the people they took with them.

18. Children can be shockingly mean, and bullying is a contagious disease. The bully is already sick and needs help; the victims will be infected with fear and low self-esteem.

19. Do not complain about being fat/thin/pale/dark/old/young/any other adjective that bothers you when you’re around someone who is fatter/thinner/more pale/darker/younger/older/etc. If you do, you are a shit.
20. Pets are worth every ounce of grief you’re going to feel when you lose them, but it is going to hurt like hell, possibly for much longer than you expected.

21. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting kids. Just know that if you are a childless woman, most of your friends with kids are going to disappear during your 30s and 40s. Cultivate friendships with other childless women and men, and do activities that you enjoy. Your friends will probably reappear when their kids leave the nest.

22. Finding a lump does not automatically mean you have cancer. By all means, get it checked out immediately, but more often than not it isn’t life-threatening. Don’t waste time dying inside from fear before you have the facts.

23. Do not spend money on a big wedding if you won’t have enough left over for a honeymoon. The honeymoon is way better than paying out the nose so people can catch a buzz and eat rubber chicken under the stars.

24. If your whole life has become about a job that does not make you happy — or worse, makes you sick — then honey, you’re doing it wrong.

25. During the holidays, don’t get hung up on seeing everybody on one or two days. It’s OK to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas or whatever a few days before or after the actual holiday. Just take time with people you love; don’t try to cram it all into one day.

26. When it comes to romance, both men and women are attracted to one quality above all others: confidence.

27. Always write down recipes, family history and anything else you want to know from your parents and grandparents before they get too old to remember. Fill a notebook.

28. Ladies, get professionally fitted for a bra every time you buy one, unless it’s the same size and style you purchased recently. The right bra will make you look 10 pounds thinner. Nobody likes back rolls.

29. Be kind to people as often as possible. Always hold the door for people and say “Bless you” when they sneeze. When you are in a crap mood and don’t feel like smiling or conversing, tuck that feeling away in the back of your mind and remember it when you think someone is being a jerk. Maybe it’s their turn to have that kind of day.

30. It is OK to end a friendship. They run their course, or people are toxic to you -- whatever. It doesn’t mean both parties didn’t get something positive out of it.

31. Try to plan meals for the week and do most of the cooking every Sunday. “Try” is the operative word. Also keep a pizza in the freezer at all times for when you don’t feel like trying.

32. Wear sunscreen and go to the dermatologist for a skin check annually.

33. If you love someone, just tell them.

34. Romantic relationships are like topography. There are supposed to be hills and valleys. Some hills and valleys are higher or wider than others. Don’t dwell on the valleys; dwell on the hills.

35. During phone conversations, make sure you ask about the other person instead of prattling on about yourself the entire time.

36. For the love of God, PLEASE proofread written communication before you send it. You will look so much smarter if you don’t write “desert” when you meant “dessert,” for example. Pay particular attention to people’s names. If you misspell a name when the correct spelling was right in front of you, you look like a tool.

37. Push yourself to be your best, but if you find that you are constantly beating yourself up and saying “I should be doing this…” or “I should have done that…” or “I shouldn’t do this or that…,” then consider some advice that an amazing woman once gave me: “Stop ‘should’ing all over yourself.”

38. Don’t ever flip someone off while driving. The person might be a nut job, and that would be a stupid way to die.

39. When it comes to personal safety, respect your intuition and pay attention to anything that doesn’t feel right. And if you are a woman walking and a lone male approaches, don’t avoid his gaze – look him directly in the eyes. Predators generally want mousy, meek women for victims, not ballsy chicks who can describe them accurately to the police (h/t “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker).

40. Floss and brush every single day. Toothless is not attractive, nor is halitosis breath (h/t Stacy, are you happy?)

I have a feeling that if I make it another 40 years, there will be lessons that are much harder-earned. What pearls of wisdom would you add to this list?